I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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