Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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