I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
