In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
