"it" just moved
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
