tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
