why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
