like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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