It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
