I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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