There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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