Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
