You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My hand turned me down
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everclear isn't food dammit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
