I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
