The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
