Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
