worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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