you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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