you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we're so committed to being not committed
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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