I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
