The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
