I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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