I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
