Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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