all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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