This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
