Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
