I think I died a long time ago.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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