You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
