If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
