Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
