Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
