I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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