The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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