9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
