Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
