The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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