Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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