I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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