i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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