I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
