Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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