Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
now i know why i became what i already was.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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