Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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