We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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