are you so shy because you have an std?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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