where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
