it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
