So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
