So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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