I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
