I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
